![]() ![]() It’s like, there are certain things we can’t explain in the world, so I’m gonna choose to believe in magic and I'm gonna choose to believe that maybe there are some things that are intangible to us as human beings. I have a couple spells where I’ve buried something in the backyard, and I’m like, That anxiety is now buried in my backyard. You can’t solve this problem with thought, so you’re gonna put your energy into the spell and let the spell take care of that. And then I say, “Time to let those thoughts go because the spell is now taking care of it.” Sometimes the spell involves an incantation, so the thoughts pop up and I say the incantation and I’m like, Remember the spell’s taking care of that. When I’m really, really anxious about something and I can’t stop thinking about it and the thoughts are intrusive and obsessive, I cast a spell. And so when DeLa teases me like, “Oh, I can’t believe we're waiting for Jinkx to pack up her video game system,” I’m like, “Do you want the alternative?” Sometimes the hotel TV is not set up to let you plug something in, but I’ve unmounted televisions from the wall and then remounted them at the end of my day, just to be able to play my video games, because that is my reward at the end of the night instead of vodka. It’s a hassle, but this has become my little ritual. When I quit drinking, I bought a carrying case for my PS4, and I immediately started traveling with it everywhere because it was kind of a reward after my shows. I had to learn a new way to cope with those things without alcohol, and that took a while. That’s how it came to have such a big presence in my life. ![]() It quieted those voices echoing in my head from the internet. I realize now what alcohol did was that it quieted that inner critic. And through my therapist, I met a psychiatrist who talked to me about medication that could help. ![]() ![]() And still, when the announcement was made and the eyes focused on me, I was like, Oh, here we go again. I was in a really loving, committed relationship. I was about two years sober when it started. Going into All Stars 7, I felt really prepared for it. “I had to learn a new way to cope without alcohol.” I downloaded the app I Am Sober, which works really great with my OCD. That was the final thing I needed to hear. And you almost got hit by a car.” When he said I almost got hit by a car, I was like, That’s it. I was newly in my relationship with my now husband, and he told me, “You were having fun with the fans, but I don’t think they saw the best side of you last night. I thought, I’m not gonna get lucky three times. One night in 2019, I went out, got blackout drunk, and I almost got hit by a car-again. It was this back-and-forth conversation with myself: Should I quit drinking, or shouldn’t I quit drinking? And I would drink responsibly for a while. Like, Well, I bet I could handle it differently. I'm just gonna do it.Įvery time, I found a way back into it. No one needs to know about this, I don't need to talk to someone about this. As a person who was raised to handle my problems myself, I'm gonna quit cold turkey. It's getting in the way of me being my best self. It's getting in the way of me doing my best work. I had quit drinking two different times in my life it was very much like, Okay, I feel like I'm drinking too much. My therapist said that when I go looking for those comments, it's almost a form of self-harm. Or you know, like a night school education on how to effectively be in the public eye.Īs an actor who thinks that being able to take notes and critique is an important part of your work, I thought going on Twitter and reading my Instagram comments and reading Reddit threads was a part of taking my critique…but what I found was the only thing it was affirming was my own insecurities. I wasn’t ready for being a public persona. And I don’t think I was ready for this career when I did season five. I think I’ve settled into who I am now, and I’m really confident, but that took a lot of work. When you are put under that extreme stress, things you thought you had a handle on for a long time, they just come to the surface. When your life changes rapidly overnight, and you go from low pressure to high pressure or low profile to high profile, any underlying issues that you have yet to address bubble up to the top really quickly. ![]()
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